Dialogues from the Grand Salon

[a draft screenplay for post-postmodern telecommunications]

ring.

ri—

“Hello?”

silence…click…click…

(irritated grumbling on my part)

“Damn automated phone calls…”

clunk!

.

.

.

ring.

ring.

ring.

(frustrated groan)

ri—

“Hello?”

silence…click…

“Hello?”

(interrupted sigh of relief)

hapless phone lady: “Hello, can I speak to Joseph Wall?”

me: “Speaking.”

(pathetic sigh)

hapless phone lady: “Hello, sir, this is Beneficial/Household Finance calling in—”

me: “The whole corporation is calling?”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon me, sir?”

me: “The entire Beneficial/Household Finance Corporation is calling?”

hapless phone lady: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

me: “You said ‘this is Beneficial/Household Finance calling.’ I wasn’t aware that entire corporations were able to make phone calls. Are you a gestalt being?”

hapless phone lady: “I’m sorry, sir, I’m a little confused.”

me: “Apparently. Are you, in fact, an account representative for the Beneficial/Household Finance Corporation?”

hapless phone lady: “Ah, okay. Yes, sir, I am.”

me: “Do you have a name?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m calling in reference to your account, which is currently showing a late balance of…”

me: “I’m sorry, do you have a name?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m calling in reference to your account.”

me: “So you don’t have a name?”

hapless phone lady: “That’s not important, sir.”

me: “Someone thought so.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon me, sir?”

me: “That you were worth having a name.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m calling in reference to your account with Beneficial/Household Finance, which is currently showing a late balance, and I’d like to schedule a payment this morning.”

(mental cogs turning)

* reaching over to answering machine *

answering machine: “Beep!”

me: “This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.”

hapless phone lady: “Umm…pardon, sir?”

me: “This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m calling in regards to your account with Beneficial/Household Finance, which is currently showing a balance of—”

me: “Okay, as long as you understand that this call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.”

hapless phone lady: “I’m not sure I understand you, sir.”

me: “This call may be monitored or recorded for quality purposes.”

hapless phone lady: “Okay, sir, but that is not important at this time.”

me: “So you consent to said monitoring or recording?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, may I schedule a payment to your account at this time?”

me: “You may, I guess.”

hapless phone lady: “When would you like to schedule a payment, Mr. Wall?”

me: “I wouldn’t.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “I wouldn’t like to schedule a payment. You asked if you could, and I said ‘you may,’ which is true. You may schedule a payment.”

hapless phone lady: “Okay, sir, when would you like to schedule a payment?”

me: “I wouldn’t.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m asking you when I can schedule a payment.”

me: “I haven’t the slightest clue as to when.”

(long pause)

hapless phone lady: “Sir, your account with Beneficial/Household Finance is currently showing a late payment amount.”

me: “I would imagine so, yes.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, sir, I need to get a date from you on which I can schedule a payment.”

me: “You need to get a date from me?”

hapless phone lady: “Yes, sir.”

me: “But you’re a woman. It wouldn’t work out.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “I don’t date women just yet.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, what I am asking is for a date when you would like me to schedule a payment.”

me: “Ah, clarity at last.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “Just sayin’. Sorry, but I can’t schedule a payment.”

hapless phone lady: “Umm, why not, sir?”

me: “I have no money.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, sir, I can schedule a payment for a future date.”

me: “Can you see into the future?”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon me, sir, I did not understand your statement.”

me: “That was a question, actually.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m having a hard time following you.”

me: “You’re following me?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I need to schedule a payment. Your account with Beneficial/Household Finance is showing an overdue amount.”

me: “That’s all well and good, ma’am, but you will be unable to schedule a payment until I have money to pay said payment.”

hapless phone lady: “And when will that be, sir?”

me: “I have no idea.”

hapless phone lady: “I’m confused, sir. Why are you unable to make a payment at this time?”

me: “I have no money.”

hapless phone lady: “Then can I schedule a time when you will know when you will have funds available?”

me: “That depends.”

hapless phone lady: “It depends on what, sir?”

me: “On whether you can see into the future.”

hapless phone lady: “I don’t understand what you’re saying, sir.”

me: “What I’m saying is that I have no money, or to put it another way, no money is what I have.”

(long pause)

hapless phone lady: “Sir, would you like me to schedule a time when Beneficial/Household Finance can call to schedule a payment?”

me: “The whole corporation will call?”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “Only if you know when I’ll know when I have money so I can schedule a payment.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, is there a reason why you cannot schedule a payment at this time?”

me: “Yes.”

hapless phone lady: “What is the reason, sir?”

me: “I have no money.”

hapless phone lady: “Can we schedule a payment on a future date?”

me: “Only if you can see into the future.”

(sound of sighing in the phone receiver)

hapless phone lady: “Sir, is there a reason why you have no funds at this time?”

me: “Yes.”

hapless phone lady: “What is the reason?”

me: “I’m unemployed.”

hapless phone lady: “Can we schedule a payment for a time when you will be employed?”

me: “That depends.”

hapless phone lady: “It depends on what, sir?”

me: “On if you know when I’ll be employed again.”

hapless phone lady: “Is there a reason why you are not currently employed?”

me: “Karma, I guess.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “Can’t find work, and I’ve been writing a book.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, sir, that’s nice that you’ve been keeping busy, but you’re currently overdue on your account with Beneficial/Household Finance and I need to schedule a payment.”

me: “But I have no money, ma’am. What part of that is not working for you?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, are you currently disabled or otherwise unable to work?”

me: “No, ma’am, but no one in my field wants to hire me. Well, the fact is that my field doesn’t really exist anymore. I learned my family business and am one of the best in my field, but the field itself has disappeared.”

hapless phone lady: “Why’s that, sir?”

me: “Damn computers.”

hapless phone lady: “Is there no work outside your field?”

me: “I’m writing a book.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “It’s called Scaggsville. It’s about my life, you know—essays about my childhood and a friend whose life went sorta wrong.”

hapless phone lady: “Umm, sir, what I mean is ‘why can’t you work outside your field?’”

me: “For what?”

hapless phone lady: “For income, sir, so you can pay your debts.”

me: “But then I couldn’t work on my book.”

hapless phone lady: “You could, in your spare time.”

me: “But I never had any spare time when I had a full-time job.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, get a part-time job, then.”

me: “But I can’t pay my bills on a part-time job.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, you can’t pay them when you’re not working, either.”

me: “Well, then it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, your account with Beneficial/Household Finance is currently showing an overdue amount and I need to schedule a payment.”

me: “Well, have you, meaning the Beneficial/Household Finance Corporation, charged me a late fee for my overdue balance?”

hapless phone lady: “I’m afraid so, sir.”

me: “And you can’t waive that fee?”

hapless phone lady: “I’m afraid not, sir.”

me: “Well, I guess I’m not going to worry about my overdue balance until the next due date, then.”

hapless phone lady: “Why is that, sir?”

me: “Because you’ve already charged me for being late. I’ve paid a price for being late and until I’m late again, I have the moral high ground to hold out on you.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m confused.”

me: “Why should I rush to get up to date when I’ve already, in effect, paid a penalty for being late?”

hapless phone lady: “What are you saying, sir?”

me: “I’ve already been penalized for being late. Are you going to raise my interest rate AGAIN or charge me another late fee or report me as late AGAIN?”

hapless phone lady: “Umm, sir, you’ve already been charged and—”

me: “—so I have no incentive to find money I don’t have to rush to make a payment that won’t make any substantial difference at this point.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’m trying to collect an overdue balance on your account at Beneficial/Household Finance.”

me: “I understand that, but I have no money.”

hapless phone lady: “And you have no money because…”

me: “Because I’m unemployed.”

hapless phone lady: “And you refuse to find employment to pay a debt that you incurred voluntarily?”

me: “We’ve already explored that subject.”

hapless phone lady: “And you cannot get a job in a grocery store or retail outlet to keep you going until you find work in your field?”

me: “My field doesn’t exist anymore, alas.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, then, until you find work in a field of your choosing.”

me: “Not really.”

hapless phone lady: “But-but-but you are currently in default on several loans.”

(sound of keyboard on the other end of the line)

me: “Yep.”

hapless phone lady: “But, sir, you made a payment on your account with MBNA last month.”

me: “I made some money doing handyman work.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, then, why did you pay your payment with MBNA and not Beneficial/Household Finance?”

me: “It’s a smaller payment, and they’re nicer to me.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “And besides, my mom cosigned that loan, so I don’t want to screw up her credit.”

hapless phone lady: “What about your credit, sir?”

me: “I’m sure you can see the status of my credit on your computer.”

hapless phone lady: “You’re going to damage your credit if you refuse to pay your obligations, Mr. Wall.”

Ugh—”Mr. Wall.” It’s elementary school all over again.

me: “As you can see, I have no credit.”

hapless phone lady: “But you may need credit in the future, sir.”

me: “For what?”

hapless phone lady: “To buy a house or a car.”

me: “I have a car, and I’ll never be able to afford a house.”

hapless phone lady: “But your car won’t last forever, and you may eventually be able to afford a house.”

me: “Not the way I’m going.”

hapless phone lady: “Eventually, though, sir.”

me: “I tend to doubt that, but by the time I’m in that position, my credit rating will have recovered.”

hapless phone lady: “But you can’t get credit right now, sir.”

me: “Are you kidding me?”

hapless phone lady: “You can’t get credit with your current credit rating.”

me: “You think I need more credit? Are you insane?”

hapless phone lady: “A good credit rating is important, Mr. Wall.”

me: “Why? So I can get more in debt with cards and accounts that jump to 31% the second I’m a minute late with a payment and have my phone ringing from exactly eight o’clock every damn morning to ten at night, with insane people telling me how important credit is to me?”

hapless phone lady: “A good credit rating is important in society, sir, and it’s the right thing to do.”

me: “The right thing? What on earth do you mean?”

hapless phone lady: “It’s irresponsible to take on a debt that you are not prepared to pay, sir.”

me: “I was prepared to pay the debt when I took it, ma’am. Then I lost my job. Are you saying I’m immoral?”

hapless phone lady: “That’s not my place to say, sir, but you are refusing to make good on the terms of your loan.”

me: “Because I have no money.”

hapless phone lady: “But you could have money if you wanted to, sir.”

me: “Umm, okay. Could you please tell me how, so I can make this amazing transition to a happy, credit-filled life of joy and fun?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, there’s no cause for abusive language.”

me: “‘Joy’ and ‘fun’ are abusive language?”

hapless phone lady: “No, sir, but your tone is aggressive.”

me: “My tone is aggressive? I have an aggressive tone? I’d say my tone was more incredulous than aggressive.”

hapless phone lady: “At any rate, sir, your account with Beneficial/Household Finance is currently showing a late amount, and I need to schedule a payment.”

me: “Fine, schedule one.”

hapless phone lady: “When, sir?”

me: “Whenever.”

hapless phone lady: “I need a date, sir.”

me: “Don’t we all.”

hapless phone lady: “No, sir, I need a date for your payment.”

me: “That sounds complicated.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, can you please give me a date?”

me: “That’s between you and fate, I think.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir.”

me: “Tomorrow, then.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, will funds be available to make that payment?”

me: “Probably not.”

hapless phone lady: “Then why are you scheduling it for tomorrow?”

me: “To make you happy.”

hapless phone lady: “My feelings on the matter are not important.”

me: “Well, then it’s to give you a date to stick in the little box on your computer that says you scheduled a date.”

hapless phone lady: “But a payment won’t be made on that date.”

me: “I don’t think so.”

hapless phone lady: “Well, then, sir, when can I schedule a payment?”

me: “I have no idea.”

hapless phone lady: “You have no idea when you can make a payment.”

me: “Correct.”

hapless phone lady: “When will you know when you can make a payment?”

me: “If I knew that, I could probably schedule a payment.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, your account is overdue, and you need to make a payment.”

me: “Well, I think I’ve pretty clearly demonstrated that I don’t need to make a payment, and am unable to make one whether I need to or want to, so why don’t you just schedule a call to ask me the question again a little later?”

hapless phone lady: “I’m not prepared to do that, sir.”

me: “So I’m the first person you’ve ever talked to who won’t schedule a payment?”

hapless phone lady: “That’s neither here nor there, sir.”

me: “But it makes me kinda special, doesn’t it?”

hapless phone lady: “Sir?”

me: “We all need to feel special sometimes, ma’am.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

me: “What I’m saying is this, ma’am: I’m thirty-seven, I have a college degree and twenty years experience in a business that no longer exists, I’m seventy pounds overweight, getting a hairy back and sore knees, and I’ve got a book I can’t seem to finish, more unpaid work than I have time for, and I’m hopelessly in love with a man who is unavailable to me. I’ve been single for almost a decade, have been rejected by my own dog, for god’s sake, and am such a pain-in-the-ass that my friends and family can hardly stand me most of the time, and the rest of the time, I’m like a hermit, hiding in my apartment. Some days, I just get up, shower, sit in front of the computer for a while, then just give up and sit on the couch, staring at the wall, waiting for the day to end. When things get really bad, sometimes, I end up in the kitchen in my underwear, which is full of holes because I can’t afford new drawers that fit right, sitting on the floor compulsively eating half-frozen Food Lion store brand nondairy whipped topping right out of the container because it’s about the only thing left in the fridge and I’m just so damn depressed that I can’t be bothered to even get up and go outside to even buy some damn ramen for ten to a dollar, and all day long the phone’s just ringing endlessly with people like you telling me what a big fat stupid loser I am, and that’s all there is. Sometimes, you just need to feel like it’s all adding up to something, you know, even when it’s not. Sometimes you just need to feel like you’re special. Is that really wrong?”

(long, long pause)

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I just need to schedule a payment.”

me: “Schedule it for Friday, then.”

hapless phone lady: “And you’ll be able to pay it by then?”

me: “Probably not.”

hapless phone lady: “Then can we schedule it for a time when you will?”

me: “Sure. Schedule it for May 16th, 2010.”

hapless phone lady: “I can’t schedule that far, sir.”

me: “Friday, then.”

hapless phone lady: “But you’ve already said you won’t be making a payment then.”

me: “I won’t, but some other account representative will be on duty then, so it’ll be their problem.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, you’re being very difficult.”

me: “Yeah, my mom says that’s how I am.”

hapless phone lady: “I’ve scheduled your payment for Friday, August 26th.”

me: “Fine.”

hapless phone lady: “If you don’t make a payment then, you will be flagged as overdue.”

me: “I’m already flagged.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, that is not the point.”

me: “Sounds to me like it sorta is, really.”

hapless phone lady: “No, sir, it is not.”

me: “Ma’am, can I tell you something?”

hapless phone lady: “What’s that, sir?”

me: “You’re on my hidden camera show!”

(long pause)

hapless phone lady: “Sir?”

me: “You’re on my hidden camera show! Look behind you!”

hapless phone lady: “Are you kidding me?”

(sound of nervous laughter on the other end)

me: “Yeah.”

hapless phone lady: “Pardon?”

me: “Yeah, I’m kidding. If I had a hidden camera show, I could probably pay my bill on time.”

hapless phone lady: “Sir, I’ve scheduled a date for you. Have a good morning.”

me: “Wait, wait, how will I recognize him?”

click.

me: “Hello? Hello?”

clunk.

.

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.

ring.

ring.

ri—

“Hello?”

“Good morning, sir. This is Beneficial/Household Finance and I need to speak with you about your account.”

me: “Ummm, I just got off the phone with someone.”

“Someone from Beneficial/Household Finance?”

me: “Yep, but she wouldn’t give me her name.”

“You’ve just spoken with a representative?”

me: “Yeah, like thirty seconds ago. She got me a date!”

“Umm…okay, yeah, I’m showing that a date was scheduled for Friday.”

me: “Is he cute? Does he like husky guys?”

“Pardon, sir?”

me: “Look behind you! You’re on my hidden camera show!”

(long pause)

“Thank you, sir. Thank you for doing business with Beneficial/Household Finance. Good day.”

me: “You’re always welcome, and—”

click.

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.

sigh.

Something’s gotta give, and soon.

I get so tired of this.

At least I’ve got a funny recording for a future podcast—aww, crap, the stupid digital answering machine only records for a minute or so. Goddammit. Damn computers.

If you see me shoplifting underwear at Target, say “hi,” will you?


© 2005 Joe Wall